Dicks Are Like Screenplays

Given the news of the day, it would seem that there’s a vast swath of men in the film and television industry who’ve not gotten the memo that sexual harassment and assault is not an acceptable way of interacting with women. However, it’s occurred to me that perhaps it might be helpful to couch some helpful advice to would-be harassers in a way that someone familiar with the entertainment industry might understand.

In the following paragraph, substitute the word screenplay with dick.

Paraphrasing the advice of too many other folks to cite, nobody wants to see your screenplay. In nearly every situation, if someone hasn’t specifically asked to see your screenplay, they really don’t want to see it. Trust me. Showing your unsolicited screenplay unexpectedly is universally unwelcome, and guaranteed to brand you with a reputation that nobody should want. Furthermore, nobody wants an email or text of your screenplay if they’ve no context-appropriate relationship to you and have not asked for it. Nobody wants to get your screenplay sprung upon them in a box. Nobody wants you to show up to a convention and surprise them with your screenplay. Nobody has any interest in you popping by their hotel room to whip out your screenplay unexpectedly. People in general don’t want to talk about your screenplay. They don’t want an unbidden description of your screenplay delivered furtively in an elevator. They have no interest in you exposing your screenplay to them in the back of a cab. In fact, it’s probably best to just not bring your screenplay up at all unless you’re in a clearly communicated situation with someone who’s expressed a specific interest in it. And if you’re in a situation with someone where you find yourself in doubt, it’s absolutely the best policy to keep your screenplay to yourself.

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